To the Christian Woman who has never been chosen:

I know what it feels like to wonder if your worth—as both a Christian and as a human being—depends on whether or not you’ve been chosen. Whether or not a man has ever looked at you and said, “I want to truly get to know you. I want to give you a chance.”

It doesn’t help when, at women’s conferences and church events, we constantly hear messages like, “The single greatest calling for a woman is to be a wife and mother.”

But the truth is—some of us women (myself included) have never been chosen. We’re in our late twenties, thirties, or even beyond, and we’ve never been “the one” a man picked.

I remember watching my college roommates leave for dates, listening to friends call me with excitement about yet another boyfriend, and celebrating my best friend’s engagement to her college sweetheart. I was genuinely happy for them. But deep down, I also felt sad. Left behind. Like something had to be wrong with me.

And I know I’m not alone. We take care of ourselves—we exercise, eat right, work hard, and strive to be kind, faithful, accomplished women. We know we have so much to offer. And yet, we’re still single.

That was (and still is) me. In high school, I wasn’t the girl who had multiple guys asking her to dances. In college, I wasn’t the one who walked into a party or a college event and got numbers just by existing. After college, I spent ten years on dating apps and rarely even got a man willing to meet in person. The one time I did, he ghosted me. Even the Christian dating events I tried only ever resulted in one date—who also ghosted me.

For years, I felt invisible. Unchosen. Unwanted.

But here’s what I’ve learned—my worth does not come from being picked. It does not come from a man deciding I’m worth pursuing. And it certainly does not come from meeting some church timeline of marriage and children.

My worth comes from being a child of God. I am seen, loved, and chosen already—by the One who created me.

Marriage can be a beautiful calling, but it’s not the only calling. Singleness is not a failure.

If I’m honest, part of the struggle for single Christians—especially older singles—isn’t just singleness itself, but the way churches handle it. Marriage is put on this pedestal as the “ideal Christian life.” And yes, marriage is wonderful. But that doesn’t mean that singleness isn’t also wonderful.

Paul himself wrote that singleness is a gift, not a curse (1 Corinthians 7). Jesus was single. And so were at least half of the apostles. Based on context clues Peter might have been widowed (his mother in law was mentioned but never his wife.)

Many Catholic saints were single. Some of them were in religious life but others were single lay Catholics who did amazing work for God and were recognized for it. Priests and nuns are single. (Yes they chose religious life but even a woman or man who chooses singleness is still single.) Yet the church rarely talks about singleness as a calling worth honoring.

Single Christians are sometimes seen as immature and not fully adults simply because they are single. We aren’t given leadership roles (beyond working in the nursery) because many Christians don’t think we can handle it or that we are mature enough.

So to the single Christians who have yet to be chosen: you are worthy of love. Just because you haven’t been chosen yet does not mean you never will. But also—singleness itself is an incredible gift from God. If you never meet “the one,” your life can still be full, purposeful, and beautiful. You can glorify God in powerful ways.

And don’t lose hope. You could meet a widower at fifty and suddenly step into the role of wife, mother, and grandmother all at once. But even if that never happens, your life is still complete, still meaningful, still filled with joy and worth. Because your story isn’t defined by whether or not someone chooses you. It’s defined by the One who already has.