I’m right there with you. I thought I’d be married with children by the time I turned 30. But here I am—almost 32 and still single.

You are some of the few women who spend their lives single. Many women we know haven’t truly experienced singleness. Sure, some were single in high school or part of college, but many met their spouses during school and transitioned straight from living with their parents, to college roommates, to marriage. That in-between stage—where you bounced around various family members spare rooms or random roommates until you could afford to live on your own, isn’t an experience they will have.

Singleness Does Not Make You Less Than as a Christian

Unfortunately many in the Christian community see older single women with pity. We’re treated as though our lives haven’t really started yet. We are told our vocation and our lives do not begin until we say ‘I Do.’ Which is not true. Our lives and our vocation begins the moment we are conceived.

You may have several different ‘vocations’ in your life. St. Rita was forced to marry an abusive husband at twelve (vocation of marriage.) But after her husband and children died she joined a convent (vocation of religious life.)

You might be forced to be single for a decade or more (vocation of singleness) before you find your future spouse (vocation of marriage). Or you may have the vocation of singleness forever. But that does not mean you do not have a vocation.

Your Happiness Is Not Dependent on Your Relationship Status

I have seen this chart going around that says that married women with children are happier than single women. However, that chart does not account for other factors like what the single woman is doing with her singleness, or the fact that single women are often told that they cannot truly be happy until they marry so they start to believe it.

Your happiness is dependent on whether or not you are fulfilling the vocation you currently have correctly. That vocation could be marriage, religious life or singleness. That vocation may be for the rest of your life or for a short period of your life.

Singleness is a gift

One of my favorite books is ‘Let Me Be a Woman’ by Elizabeth Elliot. Elliot did not marry until later in life as she referenced that although she met her husband early they both went on to do missionary work seperately before coming back together years later.

She has a section on singleness that I think every woman (irregardless of whether they married young or not) should read.

She emphasizes that singleness is a gift. She writes:

“Single life may only be a stage of a life journey, but even a stage is a gift. God may replace it with another gift, but the receiver accepts the gifts with Thanksgiving.”

She also wrote:

“I have learned that it is indeed a gift. Not one I would choose. Not one many women would choose. But we do not choose gifts remember? We are given them by a divine Giver who knows the end from the beginning, and wants above all else to give us the gift of Himself.”

This might not be a gift you freely choose. I do not think many women will meet a great man and then purposely wait five to ten years in hopes that she meets another great man. But as Elliot mentioned we do not choose gifts. That is why they are called gifts and not things we purchase for ourselves. We get gifts from another person.

I am sure we all had birthday or Christmas gifts that make us wonder why it was given to us because it makes zero sense. That does not take away from the fact that the person that gave that to us thought we needed or would like that thing (unless they are a horrible person who purposely gave a bad gift which God is not).

God’s gifts are never accidental, and He never gives out of cruelty or carelessness. We may not understand His reasons now—perhaps we will in time, or perhaps we won’t, because the reason for the waiting may have nothing to do with us. Consider the mother of Pope Leo XIII: she married in her mid-thirties and had children in her late thirties and early forties. Regardless of whether she chose to wait, the timing was chosen by God. Had she married younger, Pope Leo might have been born too early to serve as pope when the world needed him most. So, in God’s timing, she married later.

I can say ‘it is worth the wait,’ but there is no guarantee we are even called to marriage in the first place. But if you are called to marriage this period of singleness is a gift that should not be taken for granted.

Our Stories Are Different – But Not Wrong

My mom married just before (or just after) turning twenty. She lived with her parents, started community college, then dropped out to marry my dad. Not long after, she had my brother and me.

I, on the other hand, went to three different colleges—the last one in California. Then I moved to Washington, D.C. for an internship, living with a cousin in the Navy. That internship turned into my dream job. I then decided to get a Masters degree. My cousin got stationed somewhere else so I got a very crappy studio apartment. I was just starting out and paying for grad school out of pocket so couldn’t afford much. I graduated and then moved into a much nicer one bedroom apartment that isn’t infested with ants and whose elevator actually works.

My mom and me have had different experiences in our twenties and early thirties. But it does not make either of these experiences wrong. They are just different.

So to the woman who thought she’d be married by now: your life is not on hold. You are not less-than. You are not forgotten. You are living a vocation right now, and it is holy.

Sincerely,

A Woman Who Is There